In Season 4 episode 13, Samantha Jones cannot bring herself to tell her hotelier boss that she has feelings for him. And when she tells him “I love you” on a drug and sex filled night, she is mortified. Uttering that four letter word is terrifying to someone like Samantha who thinks saying I love you is the beginning of shit.
She really wants to embrace her feelings when Richard asks her to dance to Sade’s By your side after a night swim, but she cannot. It’s too big a risk, opening your heart to the possibility of it being broken.
Curiously, I thought of Brené Brown while watching Sex and The City recently on Netflix. I have much admired Brené Brown’s works. I read her Daring Greatly (https://brenebrown.com/book/daring-greatly/) with rapt attention and found much resonance to what she has to say with parts of my own life.
And then in the middle of season 4 I had a revelation. Beyond the sinfully dazzling clothes and the scandalously expensive shoes of the four fabulous women in New York city, and of course a hefty dose of sex, a great deal of the show is really about one of the cornerstone themes of Ms. Brown’s work – Vulnerability.
These 30 something women are seeking fulfilling relationships and whole-hearted living and they are putting themselves out there again and again. They rise and fall, they love and lose, they try and fail, they carry on. They are ready to be vulnerable many times over. Their friendship is the mooring that allows them the range of motion to row their boats in different directions. Despite Miranda’s bluntness, Charlotte’s naiveté, Samantha’s single-minded interest in sex, and Carrie’s mindful and compassionate interest in men, their raison d’etre is quite similar. Get bloody and bruised in the pursuit of meaningful connections and perhaps genuine love.
Vulnerability is hard. A word that wasn’t part of the social patois when the show aired in 1998. To quote Brené – “Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don’t exist in the human experience. We must walk into the arena, whatever it may be – a new relationship, an important meeting, our creative process, or a difficult family conversation- with courage and the willingness to engage. Rather than sitting on the sidelines and hurling judgment and advice, we must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen. This is vulnerability. This is daring greatly.”
Ms. Brown has done extensive research in realms of social cultures, throwing light into those wobbly areas like shame, courage and vulnerability. Her work has pushed boundaries and made us identify ‘guideposts for whole-hearted living.’ (https://brenebrown.com/art/ten-guideposts-for-wholehearted-living-3/)
When I watched Sex and The City the first time, like many others, I thought of it as a show about sex, single-womanhood and fashion. Those are indeed the glaring optics. Somehow, I failed to understand a deeper angst the show plays in sublime tenor. Fear of failing, fear of putting ourselves out there, fear of rejection, fear of not getting what we want.
Feelings are messy, much messier than sex really. Feelings make us walk a tightrope, chances of falling are often great, and the joys of crossing over to the other side are sometimes indescribable. And those things haven’t changed since 1998.
So, as a much older woman watching it again, my message to everyone mustering courage would be – like the fabulous four, let your vulnerability flow like a good Austin cider.
Sex, city, love, courage, vulnerability, Austin, Fabulous Girls…..march on.
More about Brené Brown https://brenebrown.com/ Photo Courtesy: People
“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”
Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
1 comment
Thought provoking.